Swim away.

My step mom found out she had breast cancer today.
Explains why dad went to Taiwan.

Don't really know what to feel at the moment.
Don't really want to feel anything.
At least the holidays are here.
I can shut myself in the bathroom and just stare out the window for hours on end...

Imagination.
One of the most wonderful aspects of being a human.
Not the imagination where children become dinosaurs or animals.
Although crawling around pretending to have claws and sharp teeth were the best of times.
I'm talking about the imagination where you leave this god-forbidden place.
Leave all of it behind.
I always just sit propped up against the bathroom wall just staring outside the window.
Could say I feel as if I just melt.
Melt into the floor and float away into the ocean.
I feel as if I'm weightless.
Invincible.
Float away into a place where I feel just at home where I am.
Where my heart is settled, my soul is at peace with it's surroundings.
Where water just fills the gaps and light shines in the darkest of places.
All my questions answered and all my fears scared away.
No-one around me, just me, myself and I.
No thinking, no reminiscing, no reminders and deadlines.
No likes or dislikes.
No need to lean on something when I feel dizzy.
Guess I just want to swim away from my life for a while.
Just a while.

I'm in a deafening room with a hundred billion people all shouting to one another.
I need to find a room of my own.
File all these stupid thoughts away and re-join the rest.

Guess I just take these new set of challenges in the gut and just keep on walking.

"Life is just an hour-glass glued to the table"

Like a love letter but not.

Had a close friend ask me if everything was alright.
The only thing goin through my head was to lie or not.
Is it a sin to lie to a friend?
Is it a sin to lie all together?

I didn't know why I lied.
Didn't know why I just didn't tell him why and break down in the tears that have been waiting to be let out since sixth grade.
I don't see why I hold this all in.
Don't see why I let it get to me, erode my body, my soul.
"My life is your life" were the words that finally stuck us together.
For life is our promise.
For life it will be.
I never wanted to lie to you.
Never wanted to have to get the eye from you.
I know that you can see it in my eyes.
I know you can hear it in my voice.
But I can't, I just can't think about it at this moment.
I need the walks again.
I need to be able to run away again.
To paradise, to where ever makes me feel nice.
I can't stand the guilt of lieying to you.
Can't hold it from you much more.
You're like a lover, with stronger bonds.
Stronger promises and stronger histories together.
I promise I'll tell you in time.
When these dark days pass.
When I can welcome the lights behind these dark clouds.
Although times are tough, times are rough.
I can promise, that nothing will keep us from being together.
Brothers forever.

Luke, I know you can't read this.
Thats why I wrote this here.
I didn't mean to lie to you like that.
We've been best friends for so long and I can't stand having to lie to you about why I haven't been going to school for so long.
But I promise I'll tell you in time.
When these dark times are over.
I promise I'll open up to you like we used to.
Share everything and make sure you know whats going on.
I totally regret mechanically churning out those words to your face.
I didn't mean it to be like that.
I know you could tell in my eyes.
That I was avoiding having to answer truthfully.
We've been brothers for so long.
I know that we share our problems and get through it together.
But, I think this one is for myself.
I have to climb this mountain myself.
But once it's over, I'll explain why I did it.
Brothers forever bro.

TJ