The First Morning

nap time

YO.
I completely bombed my Indonesian Oral.
What a let down.
But this is an uplifting blog so.
Right after exams are over.
I'm gnna start living up these plans of mine for my december and january months.

-get a job
-get ready for tafe.
-Take a shower
-Go to the beach
-Gym it up
-Get my tattoo finished and start saving up for my second one.
-Partyy
-Start saving up for schoolies and schoolies trip to malaysia with luke and co.
-buy more fishes!
-Move into the guestroom to make room for Ritchie and Pia's return to the house.
-Clean up the house for dad's return. Make it all nice and clean and tidy so he can just leave again. hopefully
-Satisfy my insatiable apetite for companionship and get some numbers. mmmm
-Get my L's
-Set a few grand aside for a bike next year.
-

Now in order or priority!

-Get a job.
-Get Ready for Tafe.
-Move into the guestroom
-Clean up the house before dad comes back.
-Get my L's
-Save up for schoolies Toquay, Malaysia Trip with Luke and CO, second tattoo.
-Finish my first tattoo
-Party big time.
-Beach it, big time
-Then maybe take a shower after gym.

Filling

Like the rising and falling of a dog's sleeping breaths.
Life too has it's steady ups and downs.
I'm not here to write a paper about life and how it should be lived.
I'm just here to document my life as it is lived.
Looking at this blog, overall it seems so naive, so typically teenager-ish.
Thats what makes me smile.
Looking at myself knowing I've still got time.
Time to learn from past mistakes.
Time to grow and make more and more decisions.
Time to get just the right fit of shoes.
To be able to walk comfortably when it comes to walking down the beaten path of adulthood.
The closer my interviews and exams get.
The further I seem to feel from my youth.
After I move out of highschool and into a totally different learning environment.
I'll be looking for a job.
Discussing when and where to move out to with either Fi and Ritchie or Luke.
It feels as if I've just unzipped the costume of youth and stepped out into the daunting sunlight where what you do and who you are actually counts for something.
I have so many plans.
So many goals and dreams I want to reach for, acheive.
It's the sinking feeling of whether or not I'll be able to do it.
Whether or not I'll be able to get up there in time to catch those dreams before they fly away.
Time really flies when you think about it.
The amount of neccesities I have to satisfy, along with the goals and acheivements I wish to take on.
It all seems almost impossible.
But in the real world, hard work and smart thinking results in good outcomes.
Always.
So think ahead, work hard and always have those dreams in your heart.
Because bottom line is, you're the only one who can make it.
You're the only one whos going to able to fulfill all those empty wishes.
Vamos

FLENDS

Since my last post,
I've been feeling so much more intact with my life.
Those tears have been waiting to rolls out ever since I stopped myself from crying at mom's funeral.
It felt surprisingly good.
I sorta feel like I've found another side to myself.
A side I knew existed, just that I never saw it untill a few days ago.

Speaking of different sides to myself.
I'm here to write something about my two best friends.
The ones that have been right beside me through the happiest and darkest moments of my life.
I'll start off with Luke.
We've only been friends for five years, but it seems every year that passes.
We seem to grow closer and closer.
Seeing different sides of each other we never thought were even there.
Luke's oupa passed just a week ago, and I was surprised when he opened the front door and walked in as always, but all he did was hug me really really tightly.
I knew his oupa passed away, but I never knew he wanted me to be there are the family funeral.
To be honest, I was glad to know that Luke trusted me and wanted me to be there.
In some ways I look up to Luke as a person who never lets anything bring him down.
He's like a huge Rottweiler, friendly and always there for a helping hand.
I'm glad to say that I've been there through the worsts and bests of his highschool life.
He's told me all about his past and what he sees in the future as well.
I think it's finally safe to say I know him inside and out.
Luke always tells me the same thing everytime I turn to him for help.
He always says "You'll be right."
That guy, can be so serious when he wants to be, but never around me.
Probably because I never let anyone look down when I'm around.
I remember when he had female troubles and he had the messiest face.
I just kept telling him about funny times and times when we looked our worst but came out laughing and carrying on like we always do.


Jitrin,
This guy is such a sheltered boy.
But this skinny, lanky asian is such a calming person.
He's always telling me that everything's going to be fine and that the past can't get any worse than it is so theres no point worrying about it.
It's not going to go anywhere.
Jitrin is such a calm figure, he knows exactly how you feel and always tried to put himself in your position.
Hes a great person to talk to and just figure things out with.
Big mellow fluffy teddy bear that guy is.
Such a softy.

These guys are HUGE when it comes to my life.
They're always there, and will never let me down.
Love the fuckers to bits.

I cried! I finally cried.

Mom used to say that life wasn't about what you had, it was about who you had.
She also said that, time no matter how long or short it is. Should be spent with everyone you love and cherish. Because when it's all over, you'll know who those people are that really made it worthwhile.
My mom was a true, die-hard believer in "love heals all the wounds time leaves behind."
She was a damn hard worker and great mother figure to everyone.
She had a thing with kids too, she always wanted more and more.
She had courage, strength, love and a wicked sense of humour.
She could put down any worries you had, any troubles you were facing with just a smile and a hug.
I remember when I got into trouble with dad and she came into my room and just sat next to me. Almost as if she knew I didn't do anything wrong.
She didn't try to talk to me or try to cheer me up.
She just sat next to me, knowing that when I was ready, I'd lay my head down on her lap and just cry it all out.
Thats what Jeannie Tan is.
She doesn't care whether you were wrong or not.
She doesn't care whos kid you were.
All the cares about is that there is always a better way to teach kids.
That theres always love for anyone and everyone.

I remember when I was in grade three and I was way behind in my timestables.
I came back home feeling all stupid and worthless, because throughout the whole year I try my hardest to learn but I jsut couldn't soak it in.
She told me nothing was impossible when I finally told her why.
She accomplished what my teacher tried to do for a year in two weeks.
TWO WEEKS!
I remember the silent treatment too.
Mom never EVER yelled at anyone.
She just stopped talking when she was done with what she had to say.
And she'd just continue on with whatever she was doing.
That spelt doom for Ritchie, Fi and me.
There were no consequences, but the guilt just ended up eating us from the inside out.

To be a son of my mother is a privaledge, an honour.
A gift from the heavens.
To have known her for twelve years of my life.
They were and are going to always be the best twelve years I've ever lived.

Jeannie Tan knew no pain because she knew after the pain came a stronger person who lived through it. Heck we all knew the excrutiating pain she went through having three kids. She always said it was the happiest moments of her life too!
But she never even flinched once when she was in hospital either.
She knew no anger. She was the most patient and kind person you can ever meet.
She never raised her voice, never threatened. She was always calm and collected, even when shes stressed from work.
She knew no fear. Shes strongest person I know, of course she had moments where she cried and had her doubts. But in the end she was always the one picking everyone else up and giving them a hug. She was always the one that stood strong and held everyone together. She is the bravest, strongest person I've ever known. Except when it comes to cockroaches. She said the flying ones scared her the most.

Mel Gibson was her favourite actor, Kenny G her favourite singer.
She loved fancy dresses and always had home remedies, whether they work or not was up to luck.
She loved PB&J sandwiches and I'd always help her make them in the mornings.
She had two sugars to one teaspoon of coffee.
And mother's Day breakfasts in bed was what she lived for.

I never got to say what I had to say at her funeral.
So here it is, here is what I have to say.

And I know I'm 6 hours and 14 minutes late mom, but it took me a while to write this.
You are beautiful, strong, brave, loving, warm, kind, funny.
You are the most important person in the world to me and you always will be.
You are the one who gave birth to me, took care of me and taught me everything I know today.
You are the reason I'm still alive today and you are the reason I am who I am today.
I love you so much mom, I love you with all my heart and I don't want you to forget that okay?
I love you so much and I wont ever let you go.
Because out of everything and everyone in this world, you are the only reason why I'm here.
And you're the only reason why I keep my head up high, just like you did even when times got rough.
I keep walking down the road of life because of you and I will strive to be my best and to be everything I have for you and I always will and don't you to forget that.
Mom I know that no matter how much I want you to come back, it will never happen.
But I'm glad to know that you're still there and you're still looking after me like you always have. I'm glad to know that you're still there to watch me grow up, and I want you to know that I won't ever let you down.
I know you were there whenever I felt alone.
Sometimes you're so close I can almost hear you.
And I know you'll never leave me because as long as I'm your son, you'll never give up on me.
Even when the world turns it's back on me.
I love you mom, I love you so much and I always will.

And untill the day comes when I get to see you again, I'll live my life for you.
And I'll be the best son I can be for you.
No matter what.
I promise. and you know I keep my promises.
because you know me best.

Happy Birthday.
I love you.

Tan Chew Peng (Jeannie)
Born on the 23rd of October 1961 and lived to the 12th of June 2004.
You will always be in my heart, and I'll always love you.
Live in the sky.

Painted by Imaginations

Since I was about ten I started planning out my life and how I wanted it to be what it looked liek through my imaginations.
Course, being a kid then it seemed all too possible.
Being wealthy, free, without worry, living in my dream homes.
I remember having a whole night to myself on my old recliner on the balcony.
Just thinking about what I wanted to incorporate into my life.
What I wanted my life to be like and how I wanted to live it.
Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to see and hear.
Eat, drink, feel...That was five years ago.
Here I am, dreaming again.
Of course, my plans have slightly changed.
However, all of those somewhat childish imaginations are still alive and well in my head.
Controlling my body, letting it know what do to next and to never let go of the dream I'm striving for.
As a responsible human, I fully understand and am aware of the troubles and tribulations we all face living life.
Although, as the sole owner of my life, I also realize that I am free to do whatever I want with my life.
How I should and shouldn't twist, bend and mould it.

I can still clearly remember my vivid imaginations while I was reclining on my balcony in Malaysia.
Nickleback playing softly yet loud enough to remind me I was still alive and awake.
I told myself that I wanted to be a famous chef, someone who eventually became rich and wealthy doing what he loved.
I was a budding aquarist then so having a small aquarium for personal viewing in my future mansion was a must too.
Along with being a wealthy chef keeping huge aquariums, I also wanted to buy over my grandma's house, the one I was staying in dreaming about all this.
And like a true dreamer, a girl of my dreams definitely had to be included.

All of these big dreams for such a young fellow.
All aimed at buying over my grandma's $2,000,000RM eight bedroom house.
I felt so strongly about what I wanted to acheive that I downed three beers!
Three beers for such a young kid.
All too demanding for a small body that I fell asleep and dreamt of my recently planned out life.
It was almost a movie of my life.
Starting from me waking up from the recliner to driving fast imports and living life happily at 1-A Taman Scotland, Penang, Malaysia.
No wonder I'm still aiming for all those things.
My mind-set hasn't changed.
To me it's not a matter of when or how.
It's not a matter of difficulty or work-load.

In the end, all I really care about is reaching that goal and being able to hold it in my hands.
I look forward to sitting back in a recliner with a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other.
Looking out into the sunset bathing Scotland road in golden paint.
Jitrin asked what I'd do if Taman Scotland was torn down.....course it's more than possible since it's big enough to put apartments there.
I'm glad I answered that question, because it was the most naturally flowing words that I've ever said.
I was kind of surprised when I said it too.
It was like the one and only truth to me, and I believed every single word of it.
I replied him with a simple "I'll just buy the plot of land and ask grandma to work with an architect to get it just the way it was."

2,000,000 seems like a lifetime doesn't it?
Oh well, looks like I've got some dreams to catch =D
2,000,000.... 640000AUD....ahh well.
It shall be done.
No matter how long it takes.

Oh and the Louvre? Just to ice the cake.

35 days

William Angliss has got me in the shakes recently.
I've been constantly thinking about what to do if I'm not accepted into the institute.
After all that thinking, I still can't think of what to do if I don't get in.
Other than go for Box Hill tafe which to be honest is just worse than staying in highschool in my eyes.
I don't really know why I'm so anxious about this.
The only thing I have to worry about is my report.
Well, it's actually the most important part of my port-folio right now.
Low attendances, bad comments, interviews required...
I'm barely passing.
I guess the only way to pick it up is just to tell them the truth.
Straight out and honest.

I wasn't at all interested in the subjects I was doing at highschool.
I was planning to go to a tafe to start becoming a chef but I decided to try out VCE before I made any quick decisions.

That's just about the only way I'm gnna be able to bring myself up from the ditch my report creates.
But just the though of not being able to get in just makes me want to piss my pants.
I'm so worked up about not being able to study and work there.
I guess I do have a reputation to hold.
Fi and Ritchie both are aiming for their masters.
Ritchie is Biology, Fi in Law.
Me? I'm the only drop out of the family, wanting to be a chef.
My siblings are gods compared to me.
I have to be accepted into the best Institute for Hospitality or else I'm just another failure in life.
If theres one thing I'm good at, it has to be keeping aquariums and cooking.
I just want to be wowed at when my friends and family see and hear about me you know?
I don't want to be the one standing in the corner while my grandma and family look at me with that dissapointing look.
I dont want to be flooded with "You tried your bests" and all that crap.
I want to be just as good and just as looked up to as my brother and sister!

35 days till the interview....

Put me to rest

I guess what attracts me about that place is the constant daily excitement.
The daily hustle and bustle.
Funny moments, moments to cherish.
New faces, dinners to dress up for.
Smelly drainage canals.
Smoggy skies, smouldering hot days.
Never ending sounds of cars and bikes.
Huge aquariums filled with my dream fish, at truly rediculous prices.
Being the alien, the one brought up on "white rice".

Just being there gives me the feeling of being a completely different person.
Almost as if I've put on a mask and waltzed into a masquerade.
Dashing, wealthy and without worry seems fitting.
I have to admit, life there really is different.
Centre of attention whenever I walk out in public.

I have to say, walking on the strech of beach outside my grandma's condo without a shirt on really makes me feel on top of the world.
Sure, the girls staring really does help boost my ego.
The frightningly still nights on the rooftop of the twenty story condo with a few bottles of freezing Tiger beer and smokes that cost me a third of what they should be.
The amount of feelings that place brings to me.
It's almost bliss, like a dream I never want to end.
But that's what it is, a dream.
Someqhere I escape to once in a while.
But as REM sleep goes, it only lasts a few moments before I wake up to school, responsibilities and daily dissapointments.

All my firsts happened there.
It seems almost impossible...that place.
Such a crazy speedy place, yet it's just one big place for me to lie down and nap under the sun.
Everything I need, want and dream of...there.
Where I just can't reach.
I guess that's the real meaning of a getaway.
Heck it's so good I want to bring Luke and Jitrin there.

I guess this is a quick welcome to my own little world.
Here I am looking from inside the Glass Box...

Waiting for it

Seems like my dates with the moon have been a frequent occasion these few months.
There's definitely something about the night air when the skies are clear.
It's sweeter, irresistible almost.
Along with sharing my silent thoughts with the moon,
eating cigarettes and sighing seems to be the only way of consoling myself.
Why do I worry so much about my future?
Why do I think so much about my past?
Why?
Why do I reminisce so much about "happier" days.

I've been looking back and the last time I felt this way,
and whats troubling is...
It's almost as if I'm slowly descending into this depressed state of mind the more I try to ignore it.
Almost like a lonely puppy seeking warmth and comfort and having those necessities denied.
I really don't know what I'm waiting for.
All my goals are directed towards just another vacation in Malaysia.
Sure it's the best place to run away to for a few weeks.
It really is!
But is that all I am? A fugitive of my own thoughts, responsibilities and desires?
Running away to a place where nothing can disturb my rest.

I can't seem to figure out what I really want.
At first glance it seems to just be all materialistic desires.
Simple wants, not needs.
Yet, I feel so strongly that there's something missing in my life.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, because every time I think I've got it.
It just seems to absurd, foolish.

Here I am again, day dreaming about floating away to a magical place.
A place where everything just seems to flow.
I've always religiously believed in having to put the work into planting the seed in order to see a full crop later on.
I've ploughed the field thoroughly, sowed all my seeds.
I've been waiting.
How much more longer do I have to wait before I find whatever it is I'm waiting for.
Whatever it is that's making me feel this way.
So empty, so cold.
So lonely.

Pre-plans?

What are my plans for the rest of this year...

Pass my exams,
Box Hill Tafe interview on the 4th next month,
William Angliss interview on the 24th next month,
Get a job,
$300 for my courses,
$400 for my tattoos,
$800 for a vacation to Malaysia,
Build my bubbling watery empire bigger than ever....

Thats about it for now.
The tattoos and Malaysia can wait till the end of next year.
The fish....It'll definitely on the way.
I really wonder what new challenges I'll face from now on...

Takashi Amano

Inked

Ever since I've gotten my first tattoo.
I've been a lot more calm about remembering certain things about my mom.
Seems as if my memoir of mom really has done it's job and will continue to.
I've been stewing over another tattoo for the left side of my back.
This time, a bigger canvas to work on and colors will be involved.

This next tattoo will also be of an arowana.
But a few different bits and pieces will be added to make it really stand out and deliver it's message.
My next tattoo will be a reminder of who I am, and who I want to be.

The arowana, will be scale-less. The most prized arowana in the world has scales that are hardly visible. Almost non-existant because of it's ghost white color.
So the absense of scales on my arowana will depict my message of quality over quantity. "No matter how many arowans you have, they will never look as good as mine."

With that, It will have vivid reds and yellows on the head and fins signifying the luck that the arowanas bring according to legend.
The fish's head and fins will be tattoed in full flare showing the strength and seriosness of the fish satifying the name of Dragon Fish as folklore labels them.


I was originally going to overlap one side of the aro with the chinese character Lee. Of course it is my last name, and it being my last name seems fit. However I've also been tossing up ideas about having a blue moon with a red aura around it having the fish look as if it's swimming from the mysterious moon. And to add to that "mysteriousness" I was going to have a girl riding the arowana tattooed in an anime style. I thought that the girl, having her face shaded in to hide her true identity as well as her ability to ride a dragon fish from the moon was pretty random, and showed another side of me. The random side.

Other than showing the random side of e, the girl could also represent my future love.
Someone I was born to love and stay with forever and ever.
Almost like a fairytale, and thats where the anime styled character came in.
Since most animes are base around fairytales, romance and such, it seemed only fit to have the girl tattooed in an anime form also adding a more oriental touch to my piece.

This has been a pretty blotched rant about my future tattoo.
I just needed to get it out and infront of me.

Changes

Seems like changes never take their part slowly in my life.
Partially because I tend to make my decisions on the spot and I stick to them.
Call me hard-headed.

But this week has brought a lot of changes to me.
The biggest change definitely has to be my decision to apply for a course at William Angliss.
I spent months thinking about whether or not to stay at highschool but I never seemed to care as much untill I took it a step further and decided to talk to my careers advisor about how it would benefit me.
And this week, I filled in all my forms and faxed them in to the Institute.
Hopefully they'll invite me to an interview.
And if all goes well and as planned.
I'll leave my highscool life and start my new life in the hospitality Industry as a budding chef.
Where this career path will take me?
I want to work in a small restaurant somewhere in Melbourne's hidden cafe/restaurant district.
Tose little places hidden in between alleyways of huge CBD buildings or a place out near the farmsa nd vineyards.
I want to apply for a working visa when I complete my courses and work in Malaysia for six months or a year at a hotel or resort.
I want to see myself wearing the tall Head chef's hat, being recommended by customers and someone who is living contently with everything I want and need in the future.
William Angliss is definitely a great start.

To float away

Sitting out here seems almost as if I can almost reach it.
The one place all my dreams keep reminding me about.
I can't figure out why it's so important to me.
Everytime I think I have, it seems that the last reason was nothing but an empty filling just to keep my mind off it for a few days.
No one understands why, like hell they would.
I don't even know why!

I don't know why that hot, humid place would leave me feeling so broken hearted.
The smell of car fumes and sewerage.
The constant buzz of traffic all day and night.
The warm breeze that brings no retreat from the constant heat.
The loud hustle and bustle of my family going about their daily routine.
School kids shouting and conversing as they walk home from the school next door.
It all seems like a dead end while I'm trying to think of why I would love such a god-forsaken place.

I guess that's what brings my heart to it's knees everything I think about it.
It's some-place I've found where I'm never alone.
Yet I have the freedom to find my own place in life and just ponder about other aspects of my life.
Oh how I miss that worn down beach chair and that flat green roof-top.
How I miss the hustle and bustle of my family.
The dogs and the nanny.
The cheap alcohol...ha

But everytime I have a simple moment to myself, just to think about the dreams I have.
Just to take another drag of a cigarette and put my thoughts infront of me like a big blackboard.
I seem to find another peice to the puzzle.
Another fitting word to describe just why I'm tied to that place.
I guess I'm writing it down here so I don't forget that simple peice.
To remind me of why I love it so much, a small peice to savour, to hold.

My dreams take me to that place.
Like a simple walk through a totally different life.
As if I were a completely different person, without sorrow or fear.
Anger, loves, regrets...
Guess it's easier to describe it as a lover.
One that got away, the one that made your life complete just to shatter it to peices leaving you on the floor wondering whether you still want those broken peices back.
I cherish these dreams of mine, however at the same time I hate them.
Leaving me, a pawn on the chessboard having no other purpose but one.
To live untill I've found the one true purpose.
Whatever it may be...

Fuck the qoutes and sayings.
Damn the people who continue to make me look forward.
Can't I just sit and watch everyone else go about?
Couldn't you just let me have what I wanted without having to take it all back?
It feels so distant, unreacheable, impossible.
I loathe the feeling it puts on me, to feel as if that place is so much more better than what I have here.
I have everything I need, everything I want.
Right here, where I can easily access them.
Then you come and make me feel as if theres nothing to live for.
As if you are the only one that makes me life complete.
Fuck you.
You're nothing but a goddamn fucking place!
And yet you give me the feeling of complete serenity whenever I hold a piece of you in my hands as I step foot.

I guess it's just a matter of having to wait.
Like a lonely school child waiting for something to happen.
Here I am waiting for another chance to see you.
Writing about the dreams that glide away silently every night.
My dreams, my wishes.
They make me who I am, you make me who I am.

Waiting for the current to slowly rise, to let me float away once more...

Dreaming

Are dreams just another excuse to run away?

I've been having dreams about the past.
Malaysia to be exact.
These dreams make me feel so empty when I wake up.
They always do.
I feel so alone, so deprived of the need to reconnect with my past.
Someone told me to live looking forwards, not back.
I find it so hard to live by that,
so hard to find things in my life to look forward too.
Sure theres a couple of things that bring a random smile whenever i think about it.
But, the memories engraved in my head seem so much more....free.

I had everything I ever wanted there.
Yet it seems all too hard to find again.
I'm old enough to know that being naive won't help, yet I still feel stupid thinking about wanting to go back all the time.
What is it with that place?

Could almost be the heaven I look forward to when I die.
I want to go there for a year, maybe on a working visa after I get my certificates.
I really do with there was a card I could pull now .
Something that would get me an instant pass through this part of my life, straiten everything out and hit the ground running again.
Feels like I can't catch up with the group.