Tangled in your smile

I don't know if fate is worth believing in.
I have all these ideas about what I should be, who I should be.
What I should look like to other people, how I should act and feel.
I answers all these questions I have for myself with one word answers, never giving it a second thought.I now feel useless and stupid.
Wondering what I'm trying to do.
Everywhere I look, there's one of my friends or someone I know doing better at me in something I've wanted to be good at so badly.
I want to be known for something.
Acknowledged for something I've done.
I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything.
They're just not very interesting accomplishments.
I feel deflated and dumb, useless and crappy.

However, I have found someone that provides me with relief from this everlasting disease called the "Never-beens disease." Has someone ever told you something casually in a conversation between you and them, and realized that just that one sentence or one word made you feel a lot more better about yourself? Or when they look at you and ignore what you haven't accomplished preferring to acknowledge the fact that you're trying?
Maybe it's just me being a loser and finding some kind of relief.
But it's something wonderful to know that someone is proud of you. So proud in fact, that they speak of it all the time. Letting you know just how much of a lovable loser you really are.

She's got me high,
I never wanna come down.
Because she's there at the end of the day to let me know just how proud she is of me for trying.

Blood, Sweat and Burns

I'm getting better at what I do.
Paying the rent and bills monthly.
Work.
Tafe.
Life.

But I can't help but feel I've lost much more than I have gained walking down this path. I've lost more than I ever planned to, and I feel that I will just keep losing and losing, until my life just isn't worth getting up in the morning for.
I've lost my friends because of work and tafe, it's safe to say that I've lost most of them now. I've lost interest in whats "fun" to do with what friends I have. I've lost almost all interest in keeping fish because of the money I don't have. I'm losing interest in schoolies, preferring to work past it towards a "better cause." I'm losing interest in the image I portray to the outside world (Don't say you don't do it...fine, then explain why you're wearing clothes.)

Stedeford Lane

I visited a few apartments in North Melbourne today as part of my TAFE assignment.
I also had a very calming train ride home afterward.
What I can't get out of my head, is how far away I am from what I want and where I want to be.
The apartments I saw today were awesome, breath taking.
It made me realize how far, far away I am from anything I want to achieve.
Made me feel small, and unnoticeable.
I will never be a lawyer, I will never be a dentist or accountant.
I will never, ever be someone of significance.
I will never be able to live up these dreams of mine.
Of living in a ridiculously beautiful home, having a happy family and living a life without the shit I live with now.

Shooters and Fishers Political party.

The name says it all.
Google them.
Why does Australia even HAVE these guys running as a political party?
Amongst the confusion of figuring out who to vote for which is a big deal for me as changes in Work Choices and other government plans could REALLY effect the quality of life for my family and I.
I have also found these guys in a list amongst another twenty or so "no-bodies."
These guys take the cake though.
I mean really? A political party devoted to the red-necked Australians?
Are you sure about that?
How easy is it to become a politically involved body nowadays?
I always thought you'd have to have some kind of potential benefit to the country.

home alone 50

This has occurred to me a few times already.
But I've realized soon as the last person left the house, I felt completely alone.
Empty and without aim.
I am a person of habit, with the occasional tendency to show....I forget the word.
I am a person that quick to trust, that prefers to deal with grudges quickly and violently.
I am picky about whom I call company, yet cannot live without company.
I think that's the biggest thing about me.
I feel like nothing is worth living for, like the world is about to end just because someone isn't home.
It doesn't matter if they're in their rooms the whole night,
as long as I know someone is at home with me.
I wonder why.

Where I am

I've been thinking/assessing my situation in the past months and have discovered that
as time passes and plans for my future come into play.
I have slowly and gradually become tired and flat.
Re-occurring worries and daily hassles of life have taken their toll on me.
As it does with everyone else playing the game of life.
Going about work while trying to keep a balanced social life.
I have come to a conclusion, although somewhat extreme in one's financial point of view, that a vacation is in order.
To a certain tropical island off the coast of a certain country neighboring Singapore and Indonesia.
What crushes my wishes for a relieving and re-energizing getaway, is the stone cold fact that I am in the clutches of a somewhat small income and bills.
Every day I live my life through a series of "it's one or the other" circumstances
in which I have to make choices based on how much money I have or will have.
It's times like these that I admire people who have built their lives up to what they are today through years and years of being denied what they have been asking for. Vacations, paid-overtime, days off.
A congratulations is in order for those select few who have the income to provide them with all their wants and needs.
All the hard work, saving and self control has paid off in it's most ultimate form.
A stable, high income with all the extras.
Like them, I am now waiting for my chance to become someone worth admiring.
Now, it's a vacation to Malaysia for two weeks.
Next it will be a car, a house, a family.
It's all about building stable foundations to work on, in which you can build and improve to reach the top of what is a gloomy, overcast society where success is the only way up.
Work hard, save, work harder, save more.
Wait and more even more.
Until you reach something, somewhere higher in this game of life.

Yours truly,
Gamer17756281

Taking the train

I go to Theory classes three days a week.
I leave the house at eight and get home at five.
Monday to Wednesday.
I attend Practical classes on Thursday afternoons leaving the house at 2pm and getting home at 11.30pm
I go to work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays starting at 6 and finishing at 4.
I pay $600> a month for rent excluding bills.
I have fees to pay, weekly and monthly.
When do I get the time to do MY thing?
After work and school.
I squeeze in five hours of sleep on an average night.
The only time I spend with friends, is piss drunk at the pub of club two hours before I start work again.
My only mode of transport is by foot or via public transport.
My budget my life down to whether or not I might get a V on the way to school.
My calendar goes by pay days and my holidays are spent working to get ahead of rent.
I never got my tattoo.
I'm giving up on a trip to Malaysia.
I'm readying myself for working all through the Christmas holidays.
And I still feel lucky.
It could be a lot more worse.
I look at average families in the streets, in shopping malls and having lunch at Deganis.
I look up to all those fathers and mothers who work all day and sometimes nights not only to support themselves but their family.
Some of them doing well enough to take everyone out to lunch and maybe to enjoy the rest of the day shopping or something else.
That seems almost impossible to me.
Going out on a Friday night means a lot of budgeting and worrying, usually ending with a "sorry, I can't make it tonight."
I'm not trying to fish for sympathy, or to make everyone sound like they're not working hard enough.
I just want to let everyone know that I'm working too.
I'm doing my share of hard yards too.
And yes, some of you really have to pick your own shit up and stop complaining.
Yes, I look like I sleep in a gutter because I don't dress like you.
Yes, I can't afford to go out because I would like some sleep before work.
I can't get there because I don't get driven around by my parents.
I live in a small house because I can't afford one any bigger.
I shop at Aldi and Box Hill market because food is also becoming expensive.
On the train home sometimes, I feel angry enough listening to kids whine and complain.
Angry enough to want to smack their lights out and tell em to shut the fuck up.
But that's just me.
Girls, you're just as bad.

mmm

We've had such a great time together.
Laughing, smiling, carrying on.
Birthdays, parties and just walking home holding hands.
It's been a dream like adventure with you.
Filled with beautiful stories of you and I.
However it hasn't been the smoothest of rides.
We've had arguments and complications too.
Bad times, darker times.
Times where confusion and frustration takes the better of both of us.
I feel sadness and regret for being the reason of your sadness during some of these darker times in our relationship.
Spitting words at each other that burn like venom.
Yet also learning and realizing new and wonderful aspects of each other.
I feel so lonely whenever we hang up on our conversations feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
I so alone whenever I imagine myself without you.
I feel so proud whenever I talk about you.
So happy whenever I think about you.

You are someone that has shown me more than I could have ever imagined.
Shown me what life can be and what it should be.
I'm so proud whenever we hold hands, so proud whenever we walk beside each other.
So damn proud whenever I say I love you.

As an apprentice

Working at Deganis is so damn good!
So good in fact that whenever i feel angry, sad or just plain down.
I feel like just going into the Deganis kitchen and smashing out a few orders.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, cooking is becoming part of my life.
Or should I say part of another life of mine, somewhere I can just run to and forget for a few hours.
I enjoy it, I love it