Non-testicle

91 days to go.
Seemed like only yesterday I talked to Fi about booking tickets.
Seems like only yesterday since the last time I went back.
We all know it's not the best place to spend more than a vacation in.
However, everyone's got their own special place to retreat to.
Mine just happens to be 37,000 miles away.
Over seas, mountains and clouds.

I wish I could share it with everyone.
The way it feels being up there.
Up those twenty one flights of stairs.
Through the steel reinforced doors and out onto the rough green concrete.

Almost feels as if my puzzle piece finally found somewhere it fits perfectly.
A snuggly spot saved just for me where everything in this brain of mine flows out like water.
Swaying and swishing silently around my head.
Free to wander, free to roam.
Although it might mean nothing to most.
It always takes my breath away soon as I take a step on that roof.
The daily hustle and bustle just flies away as if someone cracked a whip to shoo them away.
There's no-one to stare at me, bother me, judge me.
I can't say this year has been that bad.
Really opened my eyes to some things completely new.
Some wonderfully beautiful, some destructively troubling.
Where else to go but forward right?

I can't really point my finger on all the feelings that I do and don't feel when I'm up on that roof top.
What I can say though, is that all these thoughts.
These middle of the night pondering and worrying.
All gone.
Out of sight.
But I know, deep down inside.
Those thoughts, dreams and wishes.
They all belong to me.
But to feel free for just an hour.
Bliss.

I always find myself wondering what there is to look forward to back here whenever I spend my last few hours up there.
I remember looking forward to Kana couple years back.
That helped, till I came back and everything seemed to have fallen to pieces.
Almost like a garden left unattended for years on end.
But now that I've been free to roam without those happy yet saddening memories.
I feel a bit lost, like I don't fit in anywhere.
Naked almost.

You know what I've felt like these couple of weeks?
A tiny little guy in grade seven trying to figure out the best way to ask a girl out.
Remember those days?
When you used to ask your closest friends how they think it should be done?
Ohhh man I miss those days.
Then again, Kana was a freak accident.
Something I never experienced before.
That opened my eyes big time back then...
But this, feels almost natural.
Like no matter what happens in the end.
It feels so...right

Guess what I really want to say to myself is.
Although you haven't reached anywhere near what I planned to achieve this year,
There are still some things I could accomplish.
For myself.
My deadline?
I'm sick of setting deadlines.

Why do I always have to live by deadlines.
Why can't I just run without having to get home when the dinner bell rings.
I realized, Avatar makes me feel really depressed sometimes.
Heck, all my friends make me depressed sometimes.
See, I don't know if this seems funny to you, but it sure is to me!

I know there's a point where you find out there's something so wonderful, so sweet and innocent out there that once you loose it.
You can't stop thinking about when the next time you get to experience it again.
I think desperation is creeping up to me.
But, I've held it off for twelve months.
I can wait at least another twelve more months for someone again.
Ahhh well.
Life's a bitch. But the bitch is mine!