Feeling small

really haven't written anything worth while here for ...a bit.
I really can't say much about me.
Nothings changed at all.
Maybe lost track a bit with the way I act and the way I feel.
But overall, still nostalgic and living in the past.

I've been really lazy with classes and school in general.
I even wagged Food Tech a couple of times...
Thats gotta tell you something...
I guess what I'm really trying to say is...
I really don't know what I'm living for anymore,
I've been single and I'm actually enjoying what it has to offer.
Although, there are times when I just needed someone to hug and fall asleep with.
Forget the past, forget the present, forget the troubles the future will bring.

A friend told me to write down what I feel,
to acknowledge what I'm going through and how to get through it.
Well, here it goes..

I feel...lost, without a path. As though my train has just derailed but is still crashing through what was beautiful scenery.
I feel...useless, not needed. Why am I here? I am not needed, I am not wanted here...I have no use, no...meaning or reason.
I feel scared....scared of what is to become of me, although I have the power to change all of it, I don't have the will to change. I have nothing and no-one to change for.
I feel...like I'm drowning.

I can't breath, yet I'm still sitting in this room my own brain created. Filled with poisonous smoke, filling my lungs with thoughts of wanting to run away, thoughts of wanting to escape to a place where nothing of my past could follow.
I'm burying myself in work and my beloved hobby, as though I'm scared of facing the life I have to live.
The friends I used to love hanging out with, are now distant, because of me.
Because of what I'm scared to do, accept that I'm alone?
Accept the facts surrounding me?
The skinny, useless, brainless, lonely nobody that I am?
Why can't I just take it like a man and keep going.
Why does this always have to chase up to me.

I've hit rock bottom and the rocks and soil I've kicked up on the way down has finally buried me alive.
I feel as though I'm just a soul drifting along this world with nothing else to do but hinder everyone else's life.
I'm going to stop.
Because this whole damned space is just about me.
What about everyone else.