Dreaming

Are dreams just another excuse to run away?

I've been having dreams about the past.
Malaysia to be exact.
These dreams make me feel so empty when I wake up.
They always do.
I feel so alone, so deprived of the need to reconnect with my past.
Someone told me to live looking forwards, not back.
I find it so hard to live by that,
so hard to find things in my life to look forward too.
Sure theres a couple of things that bring a random smile whenever i think about it.
But, the memories engraved in my head seem so much more....free.

I had everything I ever wanted there.
Yet it seems all too hard to find again.
I'm old enough to know that being naive won't help, yet I still feel stupid thinking about wanting to go back all the time.
What is it with that place?

Could almost be the heaven I look forward to when I die.
I want to go there for a year, maybe on a working visa after I get my certificates.
I really do with there was a card I could pull now .
Something that would get me an instant pass through this part of my life, straiten everything out and hit the ground running again.
Feels like I can't catch up with the group.