Waiting for it

Seems like my dates with the moon have been a frequent occasion these few months.
There's definitely something about the night air when the skies are clear.
It's sweeter, irresistible almost.
Along with sharing my silent thoughts with the moon,
eating cigarettes and sighing seems to be the only way of consoling myself.
Why do I worry so much about my future?
Why do I think so much about my past?
Why?
Why do I reminisce so much about "happier" days.

I've been looking back and the last time I felt this way,
and whats troubling is...
It's almost as if I'm slowly descending into this depressed state of mind the more I try to ignore it.
Almost like a lonely puppy seeking warmth and comfort and having those necessities denied.
I really don't know what I'm waiting for.
All my goals are directed towards just another vacation in Malaysia.
Sure it's the best place to run away to for a few weeks.
It really is!
But is that all I am? A fugitive of my own thoughts, responsibilities and desires?
Running away to a place where nothing can disturb my rest.

I can't seem to figure out what I really want.
At first glance it seems to just be all materialistic desires.
Simple wants, not needs.
Yet, I feel so strongly that there's something missing in my life.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, because every time I think I've got it.
It just seems to absurd, foolish.

Here I am again, day dreaming about floating away to a magical place.
A place where everything just seems to flow.
I've always religiously believed in having to put the work into planting the seed in order to see a full crop later on.
I've ploughed the field thoroughly, sowed all my seeds.
I've been waiting.
How much more longer do I have to wait before I find whatever it is I'm waiting for.
Whatever it is that's making me feel this way.
So empty, so cold.
So lonely.